Results A disaster (Part 2)

The first time my results were a disaster was in tenth when i got and a 8.4 cgpa which was pretty pretty horrible. Like very much so. I was taunted by my mom and dad for a very long time. It wasn’t that i hadnt studied, but i guess i studied too much.

But against the wishes of my parents. Against all odds. I took up commerce with math as my subjects for my final two years. I fought with my parents, did research on avenues from commerce and i took it up. This was the first and the only decision that i hadnt taken under the influence of my parents. And i achieved heights that i never had.

I completely did. I got an awesome percentage did co cirricular activities and had a ball in these two years. All said and done i still wasnt expecting anything out of my board result even after studying almost fifteen hours a day for six months. I just wasnt.

But i got a 94 percent. A bloody 94.

This is an awesome score by the way. But i wasnt happy.

I was crying on the day of the result. Because i didnt get through clat. Fine i didn’t get it so i didn’t. I cant do anything about it now. Can i? I tried my best and more for that but i still didnt get it. My dad was overcome by this grief that he still hasnt congratulated me for my board result. Imagine how i must feel. He hasnt.

I studied for him. No one else, but he still hasnt. And he said specifically after the boards ended, you get ninety percent i will be happy. You get more than that then my happiness will only multiply. Well lets just say that didnt happen.

I scored more than his friends children, more than family on my maternal as well as paternal side and my colony.

Okay lets not dwell among the small part.

I am among the one percent of the indian students who gave the exam and have got above ninety. But he thinks its still not good enough. Okay.

He thinks i will still not get anywhere. Okay.

He wants me to drop a year to try again for clat, okay.

He wants me to not think about even applying for DU, okay.

I will die, okay. 

He thinks i shouldnt have put much efforts in the boards and just concentrated on law. Okay.

Now answer me these questions my oh! So humble dad, what if i drop an year and still dont get through?

What if i hadnt got these marks as well as i didnt get a rank in the clat?

Then what would you do?

Send me to a private university? Thats below you, isnt it?

And what if after two or three years i really dont want to do law but i am stuck doing it?

These are all these questions he hasnt considered at all. He is just acting like a spoilt kid who hasn’t got his candy. Okay fine, you havent got it.

But instead of that you have got a chocolate, the finest that too. But by denying my marks, by denying everything i achieved, you are just scarring my for life.

Actually that had begun a long time back, but its becoming deeper and deeper. His frustrations with his own expectations and frustration with work does not entitle him to subject me to a lifetime of misery. It doesnt.

And its not as if i am throwing the law option out of the window, i am just simply pursuing at as a graduate degree and not a combined course. Dont act as if i have failed and am probably going to start acting like a harlot. I still want the same things, but i have just figured out a different way to get it. But who is he to understand a single word i say?

He cannot listen to anyone except his own criticizing voice.

My mom says his ears are closed.

No its not that, but his ears are closed to good news not bad news.

I think i deserve some recognition? Dont you think?

i just scoreddddd 94 in my examsssss. HELLLSSS TO THE YAAAAA :*

I forgive them

With everything i have been put through. The tantrums, the disappointing talks, the grudge holding, i have forgiven my parents. I truly have. The last year they have been a complete gem. They have supported me through thuck and thin this year. And truly from thr bottom of my hear i have forgiven them. I thought i would blame them for probably the rest of my life. But sincerely i have found the space to forgive them. They have been amazing. Truly have been. When i didnt believe in me they did. The pushed me, believed in me, trusted me. Sure when it counts they are kind of going crazy, but they are worried i get it. They are frusturated with their own life. I guess i could be a little more appreciative. But it is killing me. I mean i really need them now. With three colleges already in hand i cannot let them cry over the ones that i didn’t get to. Which sucks. But all is said and done. All i just want them to be patient. Hopefully i will get somewhere. Just believe for two weeks more.
But what i dont want them to do is to treat my brother the same way. I love my brother way too much for him to go through the same things that i did. But if he does go through them, then i will be right here being his support. I will probably only forgive them once my brother makes out of high school unscathed.

How I am Never Good Enough For My Parents.

Let’s Reorganize.

Okay so my thoughts are running haywire. Like completely gaga and not the good one either. I am sad, depressed, happy, chilled, going crazy all simultaneously. It is not human to feel all this. However nothing is actually prevalent. Everything is somewhere inside that I don’t even know whether I am actually feeling this. At this point in time, I am exhausted. Drained of every single emotion, thought, experience, mental and physical capacity. I can’t think, study, play anymore. I just cannot. Nothing. I am just a lifeless body which is barely passing every minute. Who just thrives on food. Yes, these days the only thing which makes me happy of even some emotion is probably only food. But his is getting to me. I am numb yes. But I really can’t be. Hell, I don’t want to be. So I am finding out the reasons why I am feeling the way I am. It always starts with the bad news so here it goes.

Sad/Unhappy - I didn’t get into NLUD or Symbiosis Pune. 

Disheartened - Pretty much the same thing and thinking that I won’t get anywhere else. After at least my CLAT fiasco.

Lonely - I don’t have anyone near by to help me through all of this.

Exhausted - Tired of giving exams and frankly just studying.

Pathetic - KAHIN NAHI HOGA MERA.

Anxiety - Finally, something related to boards.

Loser type feeling - after studying all year. NOTHING.

Happy - food. Nothing else. Maybe the walks in the evening. 

Satisfied - IHM rank and the fact that I got through Symbi business and law.

That is a lot of feeling for a person. And it’s driving me crazy. I think I am about to lose it. And its not going to be pretty. There a big ass hole inside of me that I want to erase.

I don’t want go through the admission process. NO, nahi hota bas NOW.

IT’s killing me. Please just get it over with.

The Harsh Truth

I wonder why people usually sugar coat everything and tell you? No, you are not looking fat in that dress. Yes, that absolutely suits you. When we probably are screaming inside our head, you ugly cunt.

To those people who have no idea what I am talking about, don’t be daft. Everyone does it. I even understand the need of you people doing it. The other wants to be loved and appreciated and liked.

But body isn’t everything.

YES.

This again is a very cliched statement.

Whoever said body, face doesn’t matter is probably lying to you. It’s not to harm you, it it simply to boost your confidence. But when someone says stuff like this you want to believe them but somehow something stops you.

Why you may ask?

Because you probably know the situation better. But it most of all that you know your society better. No one loves and ugly person.

Even Disney (who I am an ardent fan of, just BTW) has all their princess pretty. These people on TUMBLR, “The Hipster Blogs” say that all body size is pretty and what not. Then my question to them is why do I only see pretty, next to anorexic chicks on my dashboard?

Why should we admit that one fine day maybe society will actually change and people will like you? It hasn’t happened yet. Why keep the hope up? I think by doing that, by satisfying your beliefs, you are hurting yourself. What if something like that nothing happens? What if indeed you end up *FOREVER ALONE*? Who is to blame then?

I would think that you, yourself would never take the blame. It is not in human nature after all. Admitting your own fault. Rather those people who just said stuff to make you happy for a blink of an eye will get the blunt. It might not even be their fault but in the end it will eventually come down to this which is not fair on anyone.

I am not being pessimistic or a realist here. I am not. But to lead someone on is probably the worst thing you can do.

My best friend (Deeksha) knows how the society is. She will never lie to me. She does’t say that personality matters. She says very clearly, “you want a boyfriend?” “GET THIN”. Nothing more nothing less. She helps me stay on the ground.

Maybe I really won’t find when I am like this. But that’s not the point. The point however is that she ain’t lying to me. Maybe it might hurt me momentarily but in the end I would probably end up thanking her. In my view you should keep such friends closer.

They will probably help you achieve something you are ACTUALLY good at and not just pretend to be. Just stop disillusioning yourself. And quoting other instances.

From He’s Just Not That Into You “They might be the exception but you are the rule”.

Sure, you want something, you will fight for it. But if you are not fighting for it then you probably don’t want it that badly to begin with.

Face the HARSH TRUTH.

If you can change it, CHANGE IT.

But if you can’t change it then ACCEPT IT.

You are beautiful in every which way. You don’t need society telling you that. Because if you are not their version of “pretty” then they won’t think so either.
 

It is always like this.

If I’d have to blame it on someone’s i would probably blame it on me. I know how they are yet i wonder whethe they have changed and i approach them.

I try to talk to them. I am sweet to them. They probably don’t deserve it after how they’ve been treating me, but i need to resolve things. Sooner than later. I don’t want them to my friends but i do want all the issues amongst us to be resolved.

But its a mistake on my part. Who am i kidding? People are incapable of change. They are. They still make fun of me. I try to be sweet but i don’t have the strength. Nor do i have the courage. I fight them. But say sorry.

They are not worth it. Not because of their mental incapacity. But because of their ignorance. Can’t they see i am just trying to be sweet and nothing else? I am not hurting them. But their actions have always left a deep scar on me.

But they refuse to see beyond their airy self. They put their trust in the wrong person. And they make me the evil one. I don’t have it in me anymore. I just don’t. Its not that i don’t want to. But i just don’t have the strength anymore.

I don’t know why i am their sitting duck. I just don’t know why. I have never done anything to hurt them. But still their apologies go to someone who is not worth it. But then who am i to even to question that? I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of being sorry for something that wasn’t my fault. But yet again here i am. Saying sorry once again. I really am. I guess it is probably because of the fact that i can’t have anyone mad at me. I don’t hesitate to say sorry.

But its not all that. Sometimes you’ve got to apologise to let go. And i need to let go of all the misery that they’ve caused me.

Its not healthy for me to keep it inside. So here’s me taking the first step to recovery.

And it worked. :’)

I NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

Okay so all the college pressure is getting to me. Like really getting to me. Like i am going beserk. I am having problems breathing and i am FREAKING out.

And i really have to calm down. I didn’t get a good score in NLUD and i don’t think i will clear CLAT. But the good news is that at least i have my back up school ready. At least. And i have to be happy. I really have to be. I will get it. I just have to keep reminding myself.

I need to just calm down. Its not good for me. I think i might just drop dead. Its frightening. Its to scary. Okay. Breathe. And i got an okay score in SET too.

Their cut off’s come next week but i gave both the papers. And i think i have a pretty good feeling that i might make it to the next round. Even though i was FREAKING out in the day time. Its so not easy. All this pressure to get into a good school or your life is doomed.

Well i need to snap out of it. And give my best. I have one more main exam. And i will make it. But i am just going crazy, yes i am. Its not fair. No. Its just i am going crazy with all this tension. Its all unwanted. And i am really stressing out.

Its making me go crazy. And i am just writing this so i can get it out of my system. My parents too are stressing. But i know they only mean well.

I know my future matters to them probably more than me. But blah blah blah blah. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

I want to just scream and end this turmoil. Just going crazyyyy.

Help me pleaseee?

Tinker Is Here

Anonymous asked: Heyy Raushh, it's me! remember? anonymous :P Alone, you never are , never will be :) I enjoy reading your blog as much i love to irritate you :P I love all those random memories that make me smile no matter what is going on in my life .. you are just too amazing :*

REMEMBER?!?!?

I talk to you every single day. And every single day you fight with me. :P And god only know why you love irritating me. PS - my phones is not working. I am so screwed. :P

And why, thank you very much :)

CLAT - A Fiasco

So the moment of your life is here. You spent every waking minute of the last month preparing for this godforsaken exam. Because if you are the lucky 800 out of some odd 25000 kids, your life is set. But for those unlucky 24200 people nothing ever is going to happen.

My CLAT paper was on the 13th of May 2012. And even though i was kind of scared for it but most of it was over powdered by sheer excitement. I was pretty sure that i would be able to crack it.

With this attitude i started my day. And i did little things from here and there. When the real kicker came in and i started FREAKING out. And i turned to the only person who might be going through the exact same way, Ananya.

She somehow managed to calm me down and we were there for each other.

Everything was all cool. Till i walked a kilometer to reach my center.

At 2 in the afternoon in mid may to a disdain part of Delhi, Inderpuri. If that wasn’t enough, the school actually wanted me to throw up. It was horrible. There were outhouses as bathrooms and just the whole thing was shadyy.

Which was very disheartening at first. But i didn’t let it get to me. I simply did not condone it. After checking my roll number and finding out where i was actually sitting in the class, my heart sank further.

I was sitting in a bench which was bearly five inches above ground. Which a three inch wide wooden board to park my ass in. Those who know me, know that i am neither small nor my butt is small enough.

But i let that slide and somehow the paper begins.

My strategy to start from the Legal Aptitude section!

Even though it was the last section in the paper. Why you may ask? Because

A. I could do it easily.

B. It usually decides your rank.

C. It takes the longest and had the most marks.

After the first ten questions, sheer panick gripped me in such a way that i felt suffocated. It was horrifying. All that i had practised was simply being washed down the drain. It was one of the major blows i received during those two hours.

It was a simple thing, they  (the law universities) at the start of the year (2011) had said that they would not test legal knowledge only legal reasoning. It is as simple as that but instead out of 50 odd questions only 10 were of the “legal reasoning” and the rest of the 40 were of the “legal knowledge” type.

If you don’t know it you don’t.

Well, after this shocker, I did the Logical Reasoning part. This too was filled with critical reasoning. It is not that it wasn’t supposed to come but then again on their site it was written more weight age would be given to the sequence and series and analytical reasoning. I get through this without dying.

So I am ninety questions down and only 40 minutes are up.

I then delved into the third section, Maths. And this section I actually particularly enjoyed. Because I knew every question. I solved them and it actually bought a smile to my face.

Then came the dreadful General Knowledge. It was only dreadful because I couldn’t remember so many names. But without any prejudiced I went and started solving the questions. And the first question was Who said “Man was a social animal?”

Well I would be damned.

I had no idea. And then as i went to solve more and more questions I realised more than half were static. Now’ another disclaimer by the Law universities was that’ that they wouldn’t test Static GK.

The only GK they would’ would be from March 2011 to March 2012. And all sorts of random shittery was happening in that paper.

Then came the English section, which after all those sections was much of a relief. So I am done with the paper 15 minutes before.

But the sinking feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I am sitting there with my legs having no space, uncomfortable as hell and just reviewing the past two hours of my life that could have decided my faith.

But its done. I couldn’t have done anything. I really couldn’t. If they were so cool to go against the guidelines that they specifically provided for us then who am I to do anything?

Those sadistic nicompoops are way too cool for school. I mean seriously.

This actually taught me never EVER to trust a lawyer. EVER. I know this is not going to end well.

But it took me so long to actually write this because if I wrote it on the day itself it would be filled with worthless abuses which they aren’t even worth. COME ON BOARDSSS :/

Tinker Is Here

Anonymous asked: Hey me, yes! Its ME! You aint alone bro. Your oh-so-awesome friends are there, reading your random posts. And maybe i dont always bring you bad news :P yeh post hai na! Iloveyou raush baby :*

YOUUUU :****

ILOVEYOUSOMUCHHH.

You took out time to do so much for me? You are my favourite person in the whole wide world, why yes you are. :* 

See people LEARN something from her :*

I am a Vain Bitch.

So i tell myself that i am not at all materialistic and looks aren’t everything. But what a load of BULLSHIT that is. I ain’t so self righteous than i appear to be seriously.

Hell i ain’t even a big ass selfless person, instead i have realised i am the most selfish person in the whole wide word and i am pretty okay with that.

I mean how many selfish people have you come across who admit that they are actually selfish? None i presume? But more than just selfish i am just pretty vain.

I am materialistic bitch. I mean i just realise just because i feel like it, i want a laptop (Samsung) a tab (Samsung again) and a phone (Ya you guessed it right Samsung). I mean what’s wrong with me?

And even though i hate where i live i still want to stay in Delhi. I love my parents way too much. And more than that, i love my brother more than my own life. I do. But i don’t think i can have everything.

And its so materialistically stupid of me to want so many things. I should be doing it when i work or whatever. But its so tempting. And maybe more so because someone close to me (Physically) has everything and doesn’t use squat. It makes me jealous to huge extent. But it makes me mad too.

I use my phone as a web browser, i watch videos, download stuff, Facebook, use it for chatting then of course there is messaging and calling.

I exploit my phone to the limit. Hence when i get these things i will not be wasting them but using them to their full potential and more.

And its not only electronics. (Well maybe it is). Its clothes and shoes too. But when it actually comes to buying stuff i choke and don’t buy it at all. Like nothing.

My parents urge me to buy stuff and i just shrug it off. I guess, its the want that is much more exciting than when you actually get it.

Though i seriously should not want so many different expensive things. :o

Hey you! YES. YOU.

I know you’re reading this. Yes i have my all knowing eye on you. And if you’re reading this post, then you probably read my blog everyday. :p

all i want to know is why you only take and take and not return the favour bitches? I mean all i do is give and give and write and write and you don’t have the decency to reply to even one of my posts? I mean i feel so FREAKING alone up here.

If you could you know widen your gaze and look at the bottom right of the page, there is an option of “Ask me Anything”. Well this is where you come in the picture. You know? Once in a while you can leave an anonymous message to me.

I would really love that. Once in a while? I mean considering how much i write it really shouldn’t be that has you know? Like seriously.

I know this is for me and blah blah. But please it would make my day and week and probably the month. So please make a little effort and please please do this for me? :D

i don’t care you love it or hate it i would just really like to know your views. So thanks for reading this random bitchyy post. I love you all. :*

Ps - bottom right. :D

WHY?

I cannot see anybody sad.

Contrary to popular belief i really cannot see anyone sad. I just cannot. It can either be my best friend or a complete random stranger who has tears in his eyes.

I just cannot, absolutely see anyone sad. I want to be there for them. Dance for them just so that they feel happy even if temporarily. I know how it feels like all alone. And its crappier when you’re alone.

Maybe you need a confidant, a joker, anybody and I’ll be there for you. Don’t even have to ask. But keeping everything inside and not letting it out is the worst thing ever.

So i want to be there for everyone. I know its not somehow possible but really, it makes me feel better. It tells me that you are not the only one with problems. And that maybe just maybe if i help out others with their problems, somehow mine too will find a way.

And if they don’t its still fine. Looking at the bigger picture, i at least helped someone? And all this feeling came on the surface because i saw a person really sad, drawing in my park.

All alone. And it made me sad. Like i didn’t even know this person, but it was really upsetting. I wish i could have helped him in some way. But i guess i was too late.

If it was somewhere else, i probably would have helped him. But not my park, not in my colony. I just couldn’t bring myself to help him. It made me hate myself.

I know i should have just gone and helped him but i didn’t. Maybe its not something i would feel guilty over a long time. I might even forget about it in a few days but it would still be there with me. I don’t like how i have to change myself just to part of this stupid area.

I don’t like it at all. Looking at the bigger picture, it doesn’t make me happy.

But in life you’ll be unhappy for a lot of different reasons. Its how you deal with them to emerge as a different human being - good or bad its up to you.

For me i still haven’t decided.